Lightning comes, goes

Better I check myself
'Cause there's no one else
It's just us hanging out
So why we waiting now?

'Cause we can live like kings
Yeah take a risk or live in doubt
Why we waiting now and now and now and now?

my human development test: old age and grief

*WARNING...

i had to spill...

it's going to be long

but it's my blog

so deal with it >.>*

so

i was supposed to have a human development test today

about old age [physical, cognitive and social benchmarks]

death [legal issues, different types]

and grief [types, stages and afflictive therapy]

it was supposed to be last tuesday

and let me tell u something

on tuesday

i woke up

and started studying

cuz i wanted to get over with it

but... when i opened the book

and started reading about physical development

i remembered my grandma had cataratas

*dunno how to say it in english*

and as i kept on reading

i saw a lot of my grandmother in that chapter

and i stopped reading

needless to say

i didn't even get to the death and grief chapter

and i sure as hell didn't take that test

see... grief, in my book, is defined as:

the process of adjusting after a loss of someone close

but

how can i say i lost her

if i see her in every corner

everywhere i turn

there's something there

i can't play cards

without thinking about the countless times i played with her

i can't eat platanos!!!!

cuz that's all she would eat in my house

because... she said she shouldn't eat rice so often

so... there goes rice too

the pizza that she said she couldn't stand

yet never hesitated eating when it was there

the infinite number of soap operas she watched

her bingo

the incessant way she took to knowing everything about everyone

how utterly ANNOYING she was when she wanted something

how all my mom's, aunt's and cousin's secretaries kept a personal relationship with her

because she called them so many times she felt the need to actually

i can't eat apples

cuz every time i went to the supermarket she made me get some for her

and oranges too

coffee is way done for me

cuz i only drank the leftover coffee from her mug

not to mention melon

cuz she downright worshipped that fruit

oh n watermelon as well....

and now i can't look at my guava tree

because every sunday

when she came here to go to church with my mom

*and on her last 5 sundays, with me too*

she made it her thing to spot every edible guava

and make my dad climb up and get it for her

did you know she called my maid on saturdays?

to remind her to have my brother's uniform ready for him on monday

and of course to ask about her life

because there wasn't a single person she met

that she didn't want to know everything about

and it's not that she's nosy

no... she geniunely cared

she was everybody's mom

that's why her nickname was "Mami Antonia"

so imagine the confusion when i called "Mami!" in the middle of my house

and two people turned their heads

'cause she wasn't a normal grandmother

she was my second mother :)

when i was months old

and my mom had to get back to work

i stayed at her house

til i was like 4 or 5 years

i even went to school near her house

so she could pick me up

and take me back to my second house *hers*

so

she taught me how to walk

talk

eat properly

bathe

and nag =P *but this was way after that xD*

by all means

i'm not taking away props to my parents

they're my parents

but...

since i was 3 months old

til i was 4-5 yrs old

from monday thru friday from 8am to 5pm

*and the ocasional family get together on weekends*

she was my mom

she continued being my mom after that

just from afar

calling incessantly every day

*and to think i sometimes thought

"oh jeez, that's mami AGAIN"

but yes... she loved me so much it hurt sometimes*

i have her face

*u should see this pic of hers of when she was my age... almost identical*

her hair

her ability to nag

and i recently added

her bible and her earrings and a very special ring

to my room's disaster of stuff

she is everywhere

*won't leave me alone, i tell u*

as i said in my high school graduation

*which she was sure not to miss...

[or my birthdays,

or my scholarship ceremony,

or anything i did....]*

she's one of the people i admire the most

widowed at the age of 23

with 4 kids [ages 12, 10, 8 and 6 atm]

she managed to raise those kids

all by herself

and they never skipped a meal

they are now grown professionals that couldn't be better off

but as i said before

she also raised me

and all of my cousins

and she even raised her great-grandchildren

or at least the one's she was alive to see

matron and glue of our family

i don't know what we'll do without her

cuz...

as it reads on her gravestone

*written by yours truly*

she was a "mother, grandmother, greatgrandmother but,

above all, an exceptional person"

the world is truly a sadder place without you

i miss u

those three words have so many applications right now

i miss both my grandmothers

because the other one is too far for me to hug

i miss my mom's spunk

it seems to have died for the moment with my grams

i miss Jose Guillermo

who's also resting in peace

i miss Gelany

in whose birthday i couldn't be to celebrate with her

i miss Jessica

whom i wish i could slap some sense to...

i miss Manuel

with whom i talk to less every day

and i miss two other people

whom i'm trying very hard not to miss

and aaargh!

so much shit going on!

and i'm only one person!

so, slowly

calmly

and taking deep breaths

i'll try to solve them

one at a time

Final hell week playlist

Yes.

it is finally HERE!

the last hell week of this trimester!! :D

and, or so i've heard from my other psych mates...

this is the hardest trimester of the career!

*and it has been the hardest one so far...

even though i personally think they keep getting harder and harder,

i hope this one is the peak... and then the others get easier

(one can only hope, right?)*

so... if i can pull out of this one...

then i'm ok :)

as some of u know, and some of u don't

some stuff has happened

some good, some bad

but... i just need to get through this week

then i know, somehow, it'll all be ok!!!

*or at least i won't have to worry about finals and projects anymore*

meanwhile, i am in the middle of a very stressful day

and nothing helps me take my mind off stress more than music

so, here are today's tunes peeps!

All the right moves - One Republic

Resistance - Muse

Starstrukk - 3OH!3

Where my mouth is - Taking Back Sunday

Somebody to love - Glee *pa cuando quiera cantar*

The shock of lightning - Oasis

Ashes - Embrace

Break me out - The Rescues

Jars - Chevelle *pa cuando coja pique =P*

Sunshine - The All-American Rejects T.T

We are golden - Mika *instant pick-me-up*

let's see if i make it out alive :D!

because we both deserve a good chap :)

i ♥ u jezz

Bloc Party - This Modern Love

To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
You've been trying to reach me
You bought me a book
To be lost in the forest
To be cut adrift
I've been paid
I've been paid

Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
Just keep telling me facts
And keep making me smile
Don't get offended
If I seem absent minded
I get tongue-tied
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
I will be yours

I'll pay for you anytime

You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Well jump on, enjoy, you can gorge away
You told me you wanted to eat up my sadness
Jump right
Baby, you've got to be more discerning
I've never known what's good for me
Baby, you've got to be more demanding
Jump left

What are you holding out for?
What's always in the way?
Why so damn absent-minded?
Why so scared of romance?

This modern love breaks me
This modern love wastes me

Do you wanna come over and kill some time?
Tell me facts, tell me facts, tell me facts
Tell me facts
Throw your arms around me

i'm going to burst.

shortest post in the world...

i'm going to go INSANE

i need today to be over soon

and i need everything to solve itself quickly

i need my peaceful state of mind to come back

or i'm going to explode

any ideas?

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind

Here's one for my ladies....

if and whenever you have the time...

sit down and read...

i know it might seem kinda long

but it's compulsory >.>!!!!!!

i must say that whenever i decide to write out my theories on love and all that jazz

this girl is going to be my editor :D

Relationships, quotes and wonderings of a knowledgable but foolish mind: "

“You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy”

-Erica Jong (American writer and feminist, 1942)

I suppose that this is where my issues begin. I consider myself rather on the smart side. not a genius, but a rather a socially adept dork.
I've been having issues with the male gender recently. Namely, loss of respect, trust, reliance.... in general, a loss of faith in them and what they represent in women's lives.


I suppose it's because I've been dealing with the rather stupid side of the gender. Or is it because I'm dealing with the stupid but nice and cute, and the smart and cute asshole. I don't know. But when it comes to men, I've come to regard them all with lust and disdain.
An old saying goes:

“God made woman beautiful and foolish; beautiful, that man might love her; and foolish, that she might love him”

So, IS that my problem? That I bear the burden of intelligence? ad knowledge and wisdom, and standards and expectations? Is it really? It makes a girl wonder. It makes me reconsider and question if I'm not being to harsh, or too uptight, or too selfish. It makes me think that maybe I'm just asking for too much of a guy. But then again, I quote Erica Jong once again:

“Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilty and I'll show you a man.”

Sadly, she has a point. Men are, in general, selfish creatures. I'm not saying that there aren't women that are this way too, but in women, there is a certain desire to nourish and cradle, to be there, to be supportive, and understanding, to be sympathetic that is just plain undeniable and more often than not, it is of a subconscious nature. I'll blame it on biology, evolution and preservation of the species. If men are known to be selfish, rather thoughtless creatures, someone's gotta take care of business with the family and make sure the kids are taken care of.... hence the nourishing, selfless ways, and when the selfless ways are ignored and women become deviant from this norm, we feel guilty. Yes, we feel guilty. I'll openly admit that the one reason I haven't left home and gone to do my own thing is because I would feel insanely guilty about leaving my mom like my dad has and I'd feel guilty for not having her being able to rely on me, just like she has come to be with my brother.

Which leads me into my next point in case. As much as I am independent and self reliant and have a can-do attitude, it can only go so far. Hormones are hormones and I can't fight the enemy betraying me from the inside... I am, a sucker for men. Wait, that didn't come out right. lol. What I mean is, that I am pretty much like any other girl out there, I want a guy I can rely on. Not because I will (because I most likely won't) but because it is comforting to have the option and the knowledge that my back is covered. I read somewhere today:

Its interesting to consider that women are attracted to strong men. Many of these women don't even realize why they are attracted to them. I do. Its because they're looking for the man who is in complete control of his faculties and his life. The man of unrelenting strength of character and mind. Why? Because such a man wouldn't let anything mare his plans for happiness. And guess who would directly benefit from that?

Well damn. That's all I can say to that. It's truly impressive that I hadn't realized that yet, with how true it is and how much I dwell on the subject of relationships. Nonetheless, it is true. I posted it as a facebook status earlier today, and someone commented that:

The statement is false... A relationship has always and will always consist of one stronger partner than another, the human condition unfortunately. In scientific terminology, 2 elements of equal polarity regardless of mass or volume will oppose one another equally, strong men and strong women normally will not permanently attract each other, one has to be stronger thus making one weaker by default.. Look at super stars who marry other super stars, they never last... So, a strong woman is not actually looking for a strong man, just someone stronger than themselves... and vice-versa.

To which I replied:

I do agree with it. I don't think that one necesary must be stronger than the other, I think it's more of consistent with being able COMPLEMENT each other, and work as a team in general. No matter how strong you are, you will always have flaws and weak spots. If you have a person by your side that can complement you and vice versa, then you are more likely to be strong as a unit, not just as individuals. but hey, I'm just sayin'.

As much as I am coming to distrust men and refuse to rely on them, I do still hope to get to someone, someone I can rely one, and believe in, and empower and feel uplifted by... I want to feel someone is part of my team, someone I know can stand by my side and I can consider an equal, a compliment. This is after all, what God intended when he created women.

But the more time passes I lose faith that this is ever gonna happen... but hey what do I know.

I'll end the post with another quote from Erica Jong, one that proves that feminists are not devoid of a vagina and a ♥:

“Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.”

Laters folks.

Jezz

"

Modesty, Holmes, Men and Settling

oh dear god..

i must admit it is kind of freaky sometimes

but i know that if i had started writing about this

*which was my intention*

i could have NEVER said it as good as she did :)

take it away Jessy!~

Modesty, Holmes, Men and Settling: "While talking to my somewhat awesome asshole of a boss, we came onto the subject of a 'good guy'.
I mentioned not needing a friday night off as I had requested cuz my date had canceled. (yes, curious ones, this was Jacob wannabe).
He proceded to laugh, and then ask, rather incredulously, "your date dumped you?" I explained, the whole thing (six flags day with his college wasn't gonna be going on this year as he thought)
He then mentioned Jacob's college, and says "I though XXX was for smart people?" I said it was, and explained that Jacob wannabe is indeed, rather smart... and then told him I didn't care too much because he's kind of an asshole.
He replies, "Well, I mean, you can't expect to have it all! If he's smart and good looking, he's gonna be an ass. Its the way things work" My co-worker states, "Yeah, unless you go for the geeks, they're the nice ones, even if they are a little weird." My boss finishes it up by saying "There is no possible combination in which a man has all the above. He's either cute and smart but not good looking, or good looking and nice, but stupid, or he's smart and good looking, but an ass. I am the smart and good looking, and yes, I'm kind of an ass."
To finish off the above conversation, I asked my boss, and my co-worker, that well, because I'm smart, and nice and hard-working and -if I say so myself- pretty darn good looking, do I not have the right to hope, expect and demand the same from a guy? To which I got mock chastised over 'tooting my own horn' and not being modest.
To that, I quote my childhood hero, Sherlock Holmes:

'My dear Watson,' said he, 'I cannot agree with those who rank modesty among the virtues. To the logician all things should be seen exactly as they are, and to underestimate one's self is as much a departure from truth as to exaggerate one's own powers.'

But, my dears, the real reason behind my post, is not whether not I am modest, but rather, if for lack of modesty, I am expecting too much of the opposite sex.

I mean, I stand by what I say... Considering I'm not a whiny bitch, I'm fun, I'm nice, I'm responsible, I'm smart and I'm really damn self reliant and independent, and like I said before, I'm pretty good looking. Not a supermodel, but good looking none the less.

So IS it too much to expect from a guy to be up to par? I mean, I would like to be with someone I can call and consider an equal. I do like the thought of seeing my significant other as a teammate in life, someone I can count on and vice versa. If I have so much to offer, why should I have to settle for someone who won't put 50 to my 50?

*sigh*

Another day in which my faith in men drowns slowly.

"